Peanut, the Buddhist
Peanut: There’s this kid in my class who’s always a total jerk to me, but I got even with him. D: How did you get even with him? Peanut: He was playing this really stupid game where you had to push...
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Oh look, Peanut gave me a blog post for my birthday
Peanut: Mom, should I give you your birthday card now? Me: You have a card for me? How nice. Do you want to wait until after school? Peanut: No. I’d rather give it to you now. Aw, how sweet. He made me...
View ArticleThere goes the college fund
Peanut: When I grow up, I’m going to have carpet in my garage. Me: A carpeted garage? Peanut: Yes. I’m going to be that fancy. Me: Wow. That is fancy. Peanut: I’m going to have a huge mansion. Me: Oh...
View ArticleSlim
Last night, laying in bed…. Hen: Mom. You’re fat. Me: I’m fat? Hen: You have a fat tummy. Me: Huh. Are you fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Daddy fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Moon fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Peanut fat? Hen:...
View ArticleHappy Mother’s Day, Fatty
This morning… Hen: Mom, we’re going to ride horses for Mother’s Day. Me: Did you just ruin a surprise? Hen: I dunno. This afternoon, in the car with all the boys… Me: Hey Hen, what did you say we’re...
View ArticleLet’s not tell Dad about this theory
Me: Did you pick your mole off? Peanut: Yes. I didn’t like it. Me: Stop scratching at it. You can’t pick moles off. Peanut: Why? I want it to go away. Me: Moles don’t go away. They’re permanent. See, I...
View ArticleParentwy
Me, shouting from the bathroom crime scene: Would someone care to tell me why there’s wet toilet paper all over the floor? Hen, running into the bathroom: Huh. Me: Did you do this? Hen: No. I fink it...
View ArticleDirector of Marketing, Mother of Ungrateful Shit
Me: Grandma put a check in the mail to you today for $100. You need to call her to say “Thank you” and you need to raise another $700. Moon: Do I have to? Me: Do you want to go on your class trip?...
View ArticleAnd that’s how you know your kid is too old to see you naked
Hen: I see your boobs. Me: Ugh. Yes. I have boobs. Hen: They’re fat. Me: Yes. Boobs are fat. Hen: Can I touch them? Me: No, you can’t touch my boobs. Hen: Why? Me: Because. They’re my boobs. You can’t...
View ArticleDear Boys
With the impending blizzard and a high likelihood of being trapped in the house together for awhile, it seems like the right time to have a talk. As you may have noticed (though you probably haven’t...
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21 Days
Let Momma enjoy the big bed? Nope. Apparently Fiona Apple threw a party in my room overnight. After three days, 718 miles of driving, four border crossings, two late-night hotel check-ins, six Canadian...
View ArticleGo the F**k to School
In the spirit of that timeless children’s classic, Go the F**k to Sleep, this is what’s been running through my head since December 26 (disgruntled parents, please feel free to add your own verse in...
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